my new [york] city life

Goodbye Blogger

2008-07-17T17:26:00.004-04:00

You've been so good to me. But I must move on. All is not lost!

You can find my new and improved blog here:

http://misscollinsnyc.tumblr.com/

2008-07-17T11:44:00.001-04:00

the rundown

2008-07-17T10:07:00.003-04:00

Season Fabulous of Project Runway premiered last night. After a small tift with the roommate for programming control, I settled into my 9 o'clock appointment with an egg-white omelet and an open mind.

I think we all knew that Kelly was going to win, what with her bleach/dye job on vaccum cleaner bags. Amazing.

Overall, the cast leaves something to be desired, but it was nice to see Austin Scarlett's porcelain face and as always, Heidi is a stunning pair of legs.

pist

2008-07-17T09:27:00.005-04:00

And so it's incredibly frustrating when you are expecting something wonderful and are let down. When you make plans and build up scenarios in your mind. When you wake up an hour early to hit the gym because you anticipate not having the time later in the day. When you set an appointment for the afternoon and then discover it could wait til tomorrow.

I'm feeling all of the above this morning. He's been in Brazil for two weeks and his flight was pushed back a day.

Am I overreacting?? Maybe...

hung

2008-07-16T11:29:00.003-04:00

"all I have to say is shots of knob creek out of the bottle"

lyrical wisdom

2008-07-15T13:29:00.003-04:00

This blog makes my life. And these could quite possibly be the best lyrics of all time:

“You take your car to work, I’ll take my board”

Song: Surf Wax America

Artist: Weezer

Album: Weezer (Blue Album)

Year:1994

I mean honestly, who didn't have the blue album memorized?

“When I look back on all the crap I learned in high school It’s a wonder I can think at all.“

2008-07-15T13:06:00.005-04:00

I am all shades of stupid today for Simon & Garfunkel. The radio reminded me of "Kodachrome" while I was getting dolled up this morning, and I promptly ganked it off Limewire. Ahh, the original Postal Service. I love you both.

i'm hitting the afternoon hunger hurdle

2008-07-14T14:27:00.002-04:00

I HATE YOU NEW YORK TIMES! *COUGH* *CRY* *COUGH* *DROOL*

Milano's got cookies

2008-07-14T10:03:00.002-04:00

What a moment. And I'm loving the hat.

Perchance you weren't aware, the Satorialist is a fashion blog by Scott Schuman (a former director of men's fashion at Bergdorf Goodman in New York). He takes photographs of real people, in their real fashion, on the real streets of fashion-centric cities.

summer in the city

2008-07-14T08:40:00.003-04:00

I spent a hedonistic weekend in the city, doing whatever the hell I wanted to. The only premeditated endeavor, was a full day of shopping in Soho with my girlfriend who just moved up from DC. McKinnon and I started the day at 10AM. I grabbed a banana and an iced coffee and we met at the only reasonable starting point we could determine, Saks Fifth.

This recession has done wonders for my wardrobe! Aside from travel, retail is one of the first to go, when your economy is saying "bye-bye" to a bank every Monday morning. What does this mean for those of us who pretend we aren't affected by the downturn?

SALES! Every Soho boutique was decorated with 50's and 70's and percentage signs galore. Even Burberry was selling their classic quilted coats for nearly half off. It just got really cold in here all of a sudden...

Sunday was even more self-serving, as I spent the morning with "Breakfast at Tiffany's", the afternoon with the sun, and the evening with Border's bookstore. (my not-so-secret retreat) As I was leaving Grand Central, I saw a wide-brimmed hat that reminded me of my Audrey morning. And I really just couldn't help myself.

good morning from gmail!

2008-07-11T09:23:00.002-04:00

damn.damn.damn.

_______ is listed as married

2008-07-10T17:17:00.006-04:00

And so I was thinking about all of my supposed friends on facebook who have recently become engaged or married. Every fifteen minutes I log on, it seems I discover a new relationship status change or a photo album chock full of penis straws and slant-eyed celebration. I want to see some more status changes to single. Maybe a couple "added new photos" of "me, my cat, and our studio apartment". I realize it's wedding season, and this is expected. But De Beers must be having a sale, because it's out of hand. Or maybe I'm getting old. (by the South's standards)

Dude - stop digging up old photos from your wedding 2 years ago and adding one at a time. You KNOW I'm going to browse through that crap and look for an update - only to discover you've just rearranged the memories.

I mean, can you smell the scent of envy here? Aside from the fact that you've found your "one-and-only", who doesn't want to plan a lavish party dedicated to them? (meaning the couple) I'm no way near this. I'm focusing on making rent this month. I'd have to elope behind a Dunkin Doughnuts.

I'm going to take this a step further. And in fact, I don't think I ever want a ring. Say "I love you" with a pair of blood free diamond earrings and tie a kabbalah string around my thumb. Yeah, that sounds about right.

nudity, violence & cars

2008-07-10T14:29:00.002-04:00

My cyber friend, PP has me on an ultimatum. His request? Nudity, violence & cars. (as if I were lacking any such content in my blog - pshaw)

In an effort to draw inspiration, I stumbled upon his facebook picture. Here it is:

Replace the car with the boat, and I think this just about sums it up. You made it easy, P.

yumminess

2008-07-10T14:19:00.002-04:00

I can't stand either one of them and their United Colors of Benetton family. But they look like they'd be cool next-door neighbors.

2008-07-08T17:20:00.007-04:00

"Depending on which side of the bed I wake up on, blogging is either the vainest possible act of self-puffery, practiced by those who want to believe they are a lot more important than they actually are, or an unprecedented revolution in human communication, no less important of a historical record than the hand-written letters and journals of centuries past.

Sometimes I’ll land on both sides of that fence in the same day. No wonder I’m confused." - - Steven Frank on blogging

flossin' at conde'

2008-07-08T14:26:00.003-04:00

Sorry I haven't had much time to write. I'm just lounging around, getting mani/pedis and legitimizing a banana for a meal. The "clackers" are everywhere. (noun. a high fashion, sophisticated girl, always wearing the new Chanel or Yves Saint Laurent. Someone who knows the difference between the colors black and onyx)

I had to get a steak for my boss earlier, and she subsequently threw it in the garbage and chastised me for an hour or two.

Totally joking. I'm swamped though. And now I want a steak.

three new yorks

2008-07-08T08:59:00.001-04:00

"There are roughly three New Yorks. There is, first, the New York of the man or woman who was born there, who takes the city for granted and accepts its size, its turbulence as natural and inevitable. Second, there is the New York of the commuter - the city that is devoured by locusts each day and spat out each night. Third, there is the New York of the person who was born somewhere else and came to New York in search of something . . . Commuters give the city its tidal restlessness, natives give it solidity and continuity, but the settlers give it passion."
E. B. White (1899-1985) Here is New York

Mister Van Cleef

2008-07-02T13:37:00.006-04:00

And so I was sitting, (quite hung) on the subway this morning. I clutched my liter of Poland Springs and glanced up at the woman opposite me. There it was. The clover leaf Mother of Pearl necklace I have been asking/begging/googling, in an effort to discover the designer. It went something like this:

Me
Lady with a small fortune around her neck

"Excuse me, who makes your jewelry?"
"Van Cleef"
*sigh of relief*
"It's just gorgeous, I've been trying to find out who makes it! It's expensive...isn't it."
*lowers head, raises brows*
"$5000" (points to necklace)
"$5000" (points to matching bracelet)
"$12,000" (points to matching watch)
"Well, it's very nice to look at. Seeing as that's the only thing I'll be doing with Van Cleef"

The woman was wearing a Volkswagon. She then told me she works in the store, and doesn't (in fact) own any of it. That made me feel a little better, but not much.

...and then God said, "let there be John Fluevog"

2008-07-02T13:12:00.003-04:00

Art Deco tootsies with drops of wisdom emblazzoned on the soles. "Your body parts are not communal property".

And I think I need these:

...for Styley Style.com

today i will

2008-07-01T11:15:00.002-04:00

relax after a weekend in Boston with my mom and sis
be excited about one of my favorite gf's moving up from DC last night
stop by the bank
lay out in central park and work on my pre-fourth tan
mentally prepare myself to start my new job at Style next Monday
have dinner at Becco with friends and bf - 8ish

coworker's moving-to-sweden party

2008-06-26T18:30:00.002-04:00

and the red lips are out tonight...

frankly, my dear, i don't give a damn.

2008-06-26T11:34:00.003-04:00

In continuum of my Favorite Characters, I present the bewitching Vivian Leigh as Scarlett O'Hara.

Gone with the Wind is naturally in Hayley's Top 5, for obvious reasons. As a daughter of the Confederacy, Scarlet embodies the intense bravado of today's woman with the frailty (and enviable ability to faint on command) of women from her time.

She's one of the most vibrant heroines in movie history. A gun-swinging, baby-delivering, goddess of hoop skirts, who could make a couture gown from velvet drapes. She didn't take shit from anyone and Rhett Butler adored her because of it. (Clark Gable! Come on people! What a stud...) I'll admit, I prefer her nonchalant, pre-war character and life (before times got tough and Ashley got married). But...

Who doesn't want to sit around, sipping sweet tea, being courted by a bunch of Southern boys from Charleston?

you won't regret reading this

2008-06-25T15:50:00.002-04:00

"Finally, I have the life I have always wanted; and now, when I open the paper and study the engagement pages, read about the girls in their late twenties getting married, my heart goes out to them, and I pray they are doing it for the right reasons and not because they worry they are going to be left behind. I pray they are doing it because they have found someone they cherish, who they can grow old with, whom they truly love, and not just because they are reaching their sell-by date and have found someone who has asked. Simply being loved, I discovered, is not enough."

this article is absolutely worth the time it takes to read:

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/the_way_we_live/article4166499.ece

my office conversation with katie

2008-06-25T13:38:00.006-04:00

"there's a hair stuck in my goop" - kb
"my goop won't come out anymore" - hc
"my goop got stuck to my clothes one time. once it gets stuck to your clothes, you cant get it off." -kb
*pause*
"are you hearing this conversation?" - hc
*hilarity ensues*

*goop - n. the bright orange, moldable substance that (i think) is supposed to relieve stress or be "fun".

if you feel like being emotional...like i do today. beautiful.

2008-06-25T09:14:00.006-04:00

Please confirm how you know each other.

"My ex-fiance recently joined Facebook. I like to believe that he and I are friendly - the pain of break-up long since passed and the who did what to whom no longer an issue. We’ve moved on and we were always good at the friend bit. Besides it’s not difficult to remember someone fondly when they live 9000 miles away.

Honestly, I have no idea how he feels. We both periodically send these “how’s your life that I was almost a larger part of” emails. I’m under the impression that we both send these more out of genuine appreciation of our shared past than a desire to make sure that the other person isn’t happier than the other. I know I hope that he’s happy. Afterall, he was the great love of my life at one time but ours wasn’t something that was sustainable.

Anyway, I opened my gmail today to see that we are now Facebook friends and that he had entered details on how we know each other.

This I had to see.

I mean Facebook doesn’t really have a “we dated for six years, she broke up me, and then six months later we poorly decided to get back together and then I rushed to propose to her, she stupidly accepted, then we spent months pretending this could actually work and then three weeks before the big day she overheard me on the phone telling me mother that I didn’t think I could go through with it” box.

Instead, it appeared Greg went with the next best thing…Please confirm the following details - “You went to college with Greg.”

I certainly did."

*I unfortunately did not write this post - just thought it was worthy of reposting - see link below*

http://perpetualstateofflux.tumblr.com/post/38786198/please-confirm-how-you-know-each-other

2008-06-24T15:14:00.001-04:00

"Barack Obama has the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE tattooed on his stomach. It’s upside-down, so he can read it while doing sit-ups."

http://www.slate.com/id/2193798/

my Michael Ian Black vice

2008-06-24T12:52:00.002-04:00

In other news, Obama made up his own seal. Who does he think he is? Just making up seals and shit. It sure does look familiar.

One of Barack's spokesmen says it was a "one-time" use. I guess that means it won't be used again. Until he's President.

Mmmm BEEFY.

2008-06-24T12:07:00.000-04:00

Please go pick up the latest edition of People magazine. You will not regret it. Mario Lopez (newbie to Broadway's "A Chorus LIne") has been crowned "Hottest Bachelor of 2008" and is boasting more muscles than a fraternity's biceps-only workout. It's especially helpful if you're trying a new summer diet called bulemia. I present to you, exhibit A.

Mario Lopez as Burt Reynolds as Well We Know HE Shaves.

This is not the AC Slater I know and love. This is my Ken doll on steroids, dipped in baby oil. Help! I've been locked up in Equinox for the past 5 years!

Come back to the bell you chauvinist pig.

taking out the trash

2008-06-24T10:25:00.004-04:00

Just in from those celebrity crack babies, the Olsen twins. (or at least one of them) The ever-trustworthy Gawker, reports someone has dug up a few drunken photo ops from some flannel party that screams "I'm so country, ya'll"!

I have a love-hate relationship with the twins. I hate that they wear fur. I love their style. I hate how they have nothing better to do than spend money. No, I'm not jealous.

It seems like a birthday celebration, but who knows with these screw-ups. I guess I'd have a few loose too if I was forced to play the same character as my twin sister, though. (talk about an identity crisis) Oh yeah, Nicole Ritchie and the guy from that shitty band were there too. Freaks I tell you!

http://gawker.com/tag/photo-gallery/?i=396874&t=mary+kate-olsen-party-candids

J.C. Penney gets loose

2008-06-23T16:52:00.003-04:00

I'm in complete shock over J.C. Penney's new ad. Sex has finally made it's way into the sales racks of Middle America. Now, I typically walk a fine line between my conservative, Southern up-bringing and liberal New York surroundings - but this has left me at a loss for words (almost).

The ad depicts two teenagers, speed dressing. They've gotten it down to 18 seconds (oh they're good). They call back to the unknowing parental unit with her ass stuck in the lazy boy. "We'll just be in the basement - watching TV". Wink, wink.

Because for J.C. Penney, "Every Day Matters" and "Today's the day to get away with it".

Really, people? What are we getting away with here? Hoping that teens will jump in their parent's Fords and head over to their favorite sex-charged department store to snag a wardrobe with Velcro and snaps? Better yet, the whole family could take a trip to the mall and each member could disperse to their appropriately sexified store sections.

I'm not denying that sex sells clothes (or anything for that matter). Abercrombie discovered this eons ago. (see figure 1) But honestly, I'd rather see old people in a sexified denture ad, than the depiction of awkward, pre-teen, sexual encounters.

2008-06-23T13:39:00.001-04:00

My Favorite Characters, and an announcement

2008-06-23T11:00:00.003-04:00

Borrowing a idea from one of my fellow finger tapping bloggers, I've decided to start a temporary theme: my favorite characters. This will include celebrities (real or fictional) who:

a) are worthy of idolization
b) i'd do
c) i secretly pine to be

For now, this will continue until I my creativity dissipates. It's pretty broad, so I imagine it can go on indefinitely. We'll see.

And without further ado, I present my first FC: Kate Hudson as Andie Anderson - in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

Kate Hudson is fabulous in general. She's just doing her thing, CondeNast style - writing witty articles and trying to save the world. And who could forget the yellow dress scene? I would forgo a week of meals for that dress/to fit in that dress.

And so, the announcment part of this post. I've taken a Sales Associate position at Style.com (the online home of Vogue & W). And I start on July 7th! Ahk!

2008-06-23T10:05:00.003-04:00

"I wish it was Sunday
cause that's my funday."
-- the ever-enlightened Cyndi Lauper

overnight in AC

2008-06-23T09:43:00.003-04:00

This past Summer Friday was spent bussing down to Atlantic City for the night. I watched the BF play Blackjack and Craps while cautiously sipping pink vodka/cranberry. Atlantic City is like a much smaller, trashier (if that's possible) version of Myrtle Beach. Where as, the people are basically the same (from Jersey) and there is a rickity-ass "strip" of dollar shops and psychics. After he had his fill of gambling, we retired to our room and ordered room service and a movie. Despite it's seediness, I'd do AC again - if only for the room service and $20 vouchers they give out when you get off the bus.

so much drama in the LIC

2008-06-19T11:05:00.002-04:00

Dear People -

I'm sorry I've been neglectful. I've just been overwhelmingly preoccupied, as of late. Many reasons I cannot discuss here. Maybe it was Memphis. Maybe it was southern summer nights. Maybe it was you. Maybe it was me. Maybe it was my legitimatly insane roommate who decided to rent out her room to two strangers (a couple) from Craigslist while she's in Colombia for 2 weeks. Oh, and she told us the day before. Yeah...maybe that was it.

I'll be bock,
Hayley

P.S. We fixed the debacle (as I'm calling it). No sketchy strangers for 2 weeks.

we're doin business here!

2008-06-17T14:39:00.001-04:00

sites from the bleecker street fair

2008-06-17T11:11:00.002-04:00

The muggiest Saturday ever.

t-shirt stand.

pie in your face.

fresh fruit smoothies.

best gelato ever at grom.

Sex & Candy

2008-06-17T10:03:00.003-04:00

Showtime and Comedy Central are really the only two channels I bother watching anymore. Last night, Weeds returned to my life - bringing a visibally older Shane and a much-loved Mary-Louise Parker (originally from Fort Jackson, South Carolina by the way).

And then there was toothy Brit, Billie Piper (what a fabulous name). Secret Diary of a Call Girl was exactly what I expected: soft-core porn. Although entertaining, it will be interesting to see if they can carry an actual story line. If not, it's just a string of steamy Sex scenes, without the City.

trailah

2008-06-16T15:07:00.003-04:00

What is it with these Southern pop princesses and their affinity for trailah-ness? Jay Simps has gone way down in my book (long before, but greatly in part to her latest release of a half-ass "country" single). But this is just ridic.

As if her breasts were incapable of drawing attention on their own. I don't even know what this means. Dude, gimme some barbecue.

On the other hand, I'm loving this entire ensemble. Must.find.this.dress.and.bag.

2008-06-15T22:29:00.002-04:00

"Well, woke up this morning with a wine glass in my hand.
Whose wine? What wine? Where the hell did I dine?" -- pf

wish list

2008-06-13T21:34:00.002-04:00

no vacay this weekend. i'm stuck in this city. and besides the street fair on bleecker street earlier today, there's nothing to do but shop. here are a few things i need:

the new nikon D60 - so i can take some stellar pics and a photography class.

golf clubs (so i can have an excuse to leave on the weekends and perfect/vastly improve my staggering game)

and a pink vespa. this requires no explaination.

i want to join a book club

2008-06-12T13:15:00.002-04:00

Is that dorky? Yes I know it is. How do you find one in NYC? I'm pretty sure you have to be invited. God I would be so good at it too. I need to make some book club friends.

My current read:

Hm, the man in this picture kinda reminds me of my Daddy. In the fact that he's a tall, dark, and mysterious human being. Ohmigod I need to go get a Father's Day card. RIGHT. NOW.

it's friday for me

2008-06-12T10:08:00.002-04:00

http://www.vh1.com/video/play.jhtml?artist=2084&vid=55086

a little bite of green

2008-06-11T14:48:00.006-04:00

I am no self-proclaimed tree-hugger. And I personally find that the entire "go-green" hype is simply a marketing ploy. HOWEVER, this fresh little site is just about the perfect dose of daily green. They are most certainly riding the DailyCandy coattails, what with their look & feel, newsletters and availability to choose BY CITY (hello New York!). But we all love DailyCandy...

http://www.idealbite.com/

oh huffy

2008-06-11T11:21:00.004-04:00

"Sen. John McCain appeared on the Today Show this morning and continued to promote his idea of a long occupation in Iraq. But whatever merits there may be for his message, his delivery is once again promising to get him into trouble.

When asked if he knew when American troops could start to return home, McCain responded:
"No, but that's not too important. What's important is the casualties in Iraq."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/

field trip!

2008-06-11T11:03:00.002-04:00

Our entire company is taking us to Six Flags on Friday. I'm guessing that's maybe 600+ people. Flooding the themepark. Packing Mahattan buses, bound for somewhere in New Jersey.

I just picked up my ticket. Booyah - doin it old school, 8th-grade-senior-trip style!

jelly dreams

2008-06-10T17:13:00.005-04:00

There is a place in San Francisco, where designers, writers, photographers, and Internet types run a muck. It's called Jelly - and it was started here in NYC back in early 2006 by entrepreneurial lad, Amit Gupta. It's basically where everyone is invited (particularly freelancers and others who work from home) to come to a particular place (they used Amit's apartment for a while) where they can enjoy a casual work environment.

This is better than the time Subway started the Five Dollar Foot-Long promotion.

No, this is WAY better.

This makes me want to run away. To San Francisco (simply because of the pictures below). I want to divorce corprotocracy and have a passionate affair with freedom and a lack of benefits.

Their brilliant rationale:

"They loved working from home, but they missed the creative brainstorming, sharing, and camaraderie of a traditional office. (Office politics, not so much.)"

Seriously. Great.

http://workatjelly.com/

2008-06-10T17:08:00.004-04:00

I'm finding all kinds of goodies today - and I really want to switch my blogger to a tumblr account. Dammit, I have nearly a year's worth of non-transferable content. What to do...

St. Mark’s Place between 1st Avenue & Avenue A, Friday evening.

http://mallisser.tumblr.com/

the kind of thing only seen in scented, glossy magazines

2008-06-10T15:51:00.003-04:00

I can see myself, back in the day, sitting on the 2nd floor of Patterson Hall (the all girl's freshman dorm at USC). My roommate, Leigh Ann and I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning almost every night. What were we doing? Watching some show about Tommy Hilfiger's daughter who had money coming out of her junk and sing/screaming Celine Dion and Barbara Streisand duets. Dude, do you remember that show??

*the rich girls*

*the p-hall girls*

I can also see myself, listening to John Mayer's "City Love" on repeat - daydreaming. I envisioned myself. For some reason it would be at night. Maybe a little rainy, for dramatic effect. Over a candle-lit dinner, I would sit. With my boyfriend, who probably looked something like John Mayer, and even had his voice. He would be a struggling singer, or maybe an actor. We'd have to share an apartment because we were so poor, but it wouldn't matter because we'd be so in love that we wouldn't have it any other way.

I was Lydia. I would have about 16 toothbrushes lying around all over the place, taking up tons of space. Of course my long, blonde hairs would be all over his personal possessions, because I shed like nobody's business. I'd have some job. Doing something. I'd even wear his clothes to work, because it would be the sort of job, where you can throw on a button down 3 sizes too big and maybe some boxers and just GO.

While at the aforementioned candle-lit dinner, we'd probably have too much wine or sangria or pabst blue ribbon. He'd think about proposing but instead, we'd just go home and spoon to the sound of sirens.

Yeah, that's how it would be when I got to New York City.

we all know how i feel about JENNER

2008-06-10T15:30:00.000-04:00

“The Hills star Brody Jenner has scored a new TV show called Bromance, a reality series from Ryan Seacrest’s production company.The six- episode stint will feature a group of “bros” compete to join Jenner’s entourage.

Contestants will have shots at a “group date” and “alone time” with Brody in every episode. At the end of every ep, a rejected “bro” will be asked to leave the bachelor pad dripping wet during a “‘Hot Tub Elimination Ceremony.”

Do you think when he was pitched this story line, that Brody's response was something along the lines of:

"Yes, Yes, and YES"!

2008-06-10T14:36:00.001-04:00

“If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?"
— Dogen

her slice of culture pie

2008-06-09T21:57:00.010-04:00

Earlier this Spring, 68-year-old, famed photographer, Mary Ellen Mark set out for high schools across this great nation with an awkward 600 lb Polaroid camera. I'm completely enchanted by her discoveries. (is this copyright infringement?)

I found these ringing words insightfully true:

"The photographs make us realize how much the prom is a rehearsal for a wedding," she wrote. "The future bride is practicing for a role that, despite all the apparent changes in our views of women and marriage, has remained remarkably unaltered -- a role that is weirdly and totally retro." (novelist Francine Prose, on the cultural meaning of Mark's photos)

The project will eventually be presented as a book and exhibition. I hope we get a taste in New York.

In addition, I feel so inclined as to post one of my own prom memories. Oh hair no. Bowman Academy 2002

colbert and the spor repor

2008-06-09T20:48:00.001-04:00

hil.ar.i.ous.

right now for New York (10018)

2008-06-09T17:06:00.003-04:00

Sunny
94 degrees
Feels like:
99 degrees

Weather.com should just say:

"Feels like being trapped in the exhaust pipe of a semi after driving cross-country to deliver buckets of back and boob sweat."

You know the "rest-assured" seat sheets you put on the public toilet? When I got up, it stuck.

more new england

2008-06-08T22:09:00.006-04:00

We spent 8 hours in transit today from Boston to New York. I don't think you people with cars have a real appreciation for public transportation. You're welcome for the iPod. For this is the love child of mass transit and boredom.

Thanks to the Sheraton Ferncroft of Danvers, Massachusetts for the complimentary (plus $5 tip) shuttle bus to the shit mobile known as "The T". Sitting atop our luggage in shirt sticking humidity, we awaited the arrival of the Boston Commuter Rail. A big breasted woman donning a "Sox Fans Make Better Lovers" tank top crossed the platform to join us. Classy. I'm convinced Massachusetts' so-called "educated" population directly originates from the other 49 states. Boston got lucky.

Once we arrived in North Station, we navigated the cracker jack subway wanna-be. South Station brought Cosi for lunch and the Lucky Star Chinatown bus. Oh yeah.

A young Latino woman (and her son) (five-year-old son) (five-year-old son with a mom that looked like his sister) sat behind us. Aside from her charming (if loud) cell-phone Spanglish (no, seriously - she was purposely mixing sentences and interchanging words for some reason), we got to hear her son play with a toy designed and created by Satan himself. Then she bumped her MP3 player at full blast. I actually think she might have had a small jute box sitting on her shoulder back there.

I'm supposed to go back to Boston in 2 weeks. But after today, I think I'druther stay latched on NYC's locality leash.

nice day for a white wedding

2008-06-05T10:50:00.005-04:00

My bags are packed and we're headed up to Boston for a weekend of wedding festivities. I'm hoping to visit my sister tonight, there's a floatilla during tomorrow day, and a clam bake/rehearsal tomorrow night. The wedding is Saturday, followed by Sunday brunch, and back to NY.

Yesterday I had to walk away from a Marilyn Monroe-esque BCBG halter dress with Valentino frills around the neck and bodice. There was one problem. It was white. I loved it on the rack. I loved it on my rack (or lack thereof). Seriously, it did wonders for my silhouette. I called my mom for reassurance of what I already knew all too well.

"Mom, I can wear white to a wedding, right?" (intentionally stated this way)
"Nope"
"It's 2008. Are you kidding me!? Those old fashioned rules are out the window."

This conversation preceeded a verbatim list of googled responses to the "white to a wedding" question. NO! NEVER! YOU'LL LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT! THE BRIDE WILL HATE YOU!

Sheesh. Okay, okay. I sadly took the lovely dress back to the rack.

And proceeded to purchase the black version instead.

i wanna be a kennedy

2008-06-04T13:13:00.001-04:00

So Obama's biz pro battle versus Hillary has (finally) come to an end. Now that the fight in the lime-light is finished, we're all left with a panting, standing-on-a-precipice, sort of feeling. The battle scars are deep on both sides of the evenly torn Democratic party. Emotional opinions have flown high throughout this entire process. We almost forgot about McCain, didn't we? And now we have to question what happens next.

People are so passionate with their views on Obama and Hillary, that right now it seems doubtful that we'll have the mass crossover that the Democrats need. Hillary's voters have said they will either stay home on election day OR vote for McCain.

How is this happening? I honestly didn't think it was possible that America would let another Republican in the White House after the past 8 years.

It's time to whip out the first aid kit, Barack. Make good with Hil's voters before McCain is breezing into the Oval Office without even breaking a sweat.

little country girl

2008-06-04T10:40:00.002-04:00

I've been working in my cube to the tune of a radio station from Augusta, Georgia.

For the last three days.

Time to start using summer as a verb.

brody jenner wasn't there

2008-06-02T13:11:00.002-04:00

Oh, I forgot to tell you about the Men's Style "Women in Fashion" party. Among 200 or so guests, atop the Peninsula Hotel on 5th avenue, where the Veuve Clicquot was pouring more freely than I liked (the following morning). I waited downstairs for two girlfriends. I was already irritated to be standing in a hotel lobby, since they weren't letting anyone up to the party in Salon de Ning. I absent-mindedly sent a text or two. Pink and black shoes caught my eye. Looked up. Lindsay Lohan. God she's short. Those extensions. Lindsay Lohan. LiLo. I had heard (earlier that day) that she had RSVP'd. She kept walking by, back and forth. Samantha Ronson emerged from somewhere and joined her. A photographer (also waiting to go up to the party) stood next to me. "Lindsay Lohan, right?" I cast a sideways glance as if he had to ask... "yeah".

I should have just worn a sign that said "I WORK IN MEDIA". Looking back, that probably wouldn't have even been necessary. I'm sure everyone just knew. The rooftop views were great. I took cheesy pictures with my girlfriends and took in all the trendy labels that passed by. Designers, editors, NY socialites.

It was fun, but after an hour or so, I was ready to catch up with my friends who were in town from DC. I packed into an elevator down and when I walked with the group out of the hotel, I was surprised to see actual paparazzi on the street below the steps. Lights immediately flashed. I felt famous for half a millisecond, and then walked namelessly down to the subway - back downtown - where I belong.

Things that brighten my day...

2008-06-02T12:08:00.001-04:00

Receiving a small stack of thank you letters from the USC maymester class to decorate my cube :)

bitter realization

2008-06-02T11:47:00.002-04:00

I spent most of yesterday afternoon sitting in the cart on a manicured golf course in Connecticut. My mind preoccupied with the wherabouts of two bacon turkey wraps with french fries. Pollen visibly circled past us and taunted my sinuses. It wasn't a weekend in the Hamptons, but it was relaxing. A few things I wasn't missing. Young mommies in white, au pair's in tow, lazily/busily discussing plans and engagements and organizing pre-packaged meals. Political conversations (I should obviously be actively concerned with) over dinner. Business, work, summer camp, Ivy League schools, second homes, children, third homes, weddings, life, death, people I don't know. This is serious business. It must be discussed as frequently as possible. This doesn't seem all that abnormal, does it?

So why do I cringe when I hear these conversations? Why am I screaming inside for a mental/physical escape? I reached back in my memory for conversations from the pre-job era. Why don't I remember these topics? What the hell did I talk about? Grades, summer vacatation, part-time jobs, job hunting, boyfriends, graduation.

And then it occured to me. These are adult conversations. This is expected of me. I'm an adult and I'm hanging around with adults. What day did I grow up? I need to accept this and move on. There's such a huge part of me that still wants to sit at the kids table and talk about kid shit. The grown-up table is so boring.

I am so immature, it kills me.

2008-05-30T11:50:00.001-04:00

SATC

2008-05-29T22:12:00.005-04:00

If this sequence of letters triggers some sort of meaning for you, I've officially lost all faith in humanity. One of my fellow bloggers hit the nail on the head:

"Sex and the City: The Movie. It got panned by critics, the girls all look haggard and old, and who has ordered a Cosmo since 1999? The TV show ruined a generation of single American women, and the film is about to ruin another."

I was sitting at lunch with 3 other twenty-something women yesterday and this weekend's long-awaited premier came up in discussion. "I've already bought my tickets for Friday night! I got enough for me and all my friends!" *exasperated look of orgasmic joy* Looking back, I hope my jaw didn't drop to the floor. To me, this translates: "I can't keep a steady boyfriend, but my girls will always be there. And if my girls aren't always there, at least I'll have my SATC DVD set and Carrie's wise words to get me through".

That is harsh. Even for me. But here is the irony of it all. I'm debating whether or not to Fandango my premier tickets tonight or tomorrow morning at work. I can't wait. I know a few people who have already seen screenings or previews or whatever and I'm dying to get a review. I heard it's over 2 hours. 2 hours!!! I saw them filming this shit all over NYC around the time I moved here last year. I mean, maybe I'm in it!

Now I never watched the show when it was popular. No seriously. I'm not sure what I was doing while all my female counterparts were pouring wine and having girl-time, but I surely wasn't participating. Carrie didn't make me want to start writing and the show certainly didn't make me want to move to New York. I've only seen a few episodes here and there, but now I have the urge to go out, purchase the seasons, and have a marathon. I'm totally buying in on the hype. Tomorrow I will buy our tickets online. I would say that I'll try to talk my boyfriend into going with me, but in all actuality, I bet he wants to see it too.

she's so unusual

2008-05-29T21:00:00.001-04:00

High up on the list of things that make me happy: my sister Lindsay's uncanny inclination to remind, awaken or inform me of the fabulousness that is anything music-related. TELL ME you rocked out to this album at some point in your life.

when you were mine, i use to let you wear all of my clothes. i love you more than i did when you were mine

M I A

2008-05-28T10:16:00.003-04:00

Apparently this past weekend took a lot out of me. I'm back from frolicking in the Hamptons. The bridge of my nose is still lobster-esque and I haven't quite mentally returned to the work week. HOWEVER, I'm trying to put my big-girl panties back on and get productive.

two words: BRODY. JENNER.

2008-05-22T16:48:00.003-04:00

my most recent work email:

"Hello lovely ladies,

I would absolutely love if you could join us to celebrate the Women of Fashion, from *******! Samantha Ronson will be the DJ - and we have a pretty impressive celebrity RSVP list including: Brody Jenner. YES, live and in person. Its going to be the most mega-fabulous party of the season, so dress to impress!

So Meagan/Hayley - I know we've never met, but if you are as fabulous as Miss Dia says, we're going to have a blast!

Let me know if y'all can make it!

******"

DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK?!? Need I remind everyone of the last party we (Meagan and myself) attended where our girl Sam Ronson was the DJ? Mid-gyration, vodka-t in hand, we were literally winking and grinning, 3 feet away from her. It was the most hysterical/desperate thing we've ever done.

2008-05-22T15:13:00.002-04:00

"When I get a little money, I buy books. And if there is any left over, I buy food."

-- Deciderius Erasmus

more from the mouth of the south

2008-05-22T10:15:00.005-04:00

I've recently become an advocate for the anti-smoking cause. (see a few posts below) And there was an excellent article in the Timez this morning, that examined a study on the social aspects of quitting.

"Education also played a role. Those with more education were more highly influenced by their friends, and their friends were more likely to influence them. And some social contacts were more influential than others. A spouse’s quitting was more powerful than a friend’s, and a friend’s quitting was more powerful than a sibling’s. If someone you name as a friend quits, that has more of an effect than if someone who names you as their friend quits. Co-workers had an influence only in small firms where everyone knew one another. The effects were greater among casual smokers than heavy smokers."

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/22/science/22smoke.html?ref=us

PINK

2008-05-22T09:31:00.003-04:00

When I was 4 or 5, I lived in Boise, Idaho. I don't remember much about suburbia-land, except for unrealistically green grass, the neighbor boys with the cool names (Parker, Marshal and Barrett), and most of all: JEM - TRULY OUTRAGEOUS! But there was a serious problem. Jem had a Sunday morning time slot. This directly interfered with church. I used to fake stomach aches for viewing priveledges. I think we should have more shows like Jem. She embodied everything eighties. This by far, being my favorite decade. I think I've found this year's halloween costume, people.

scream to me

2008-05-21T13:48:00.004-04:00

He hides in his suit like a snake in the grass
his sales pitch fork tongue hissed
now the wolves wear their name tags they are hunting in packs
herding their prey up the aisles and back
they're smiling
their teeth are showing

while the doctors and lawyers like vultures descend
they swoop down to the scene of the car accident
to pick the victims to pieces then
there is the sly fox makes his money
telescamming notch babies
he says the end is near buy my policy
I'll make you young again
I'll make you young again
[wooh!!]

take the cash from my hand
hear the register sing
and the roar of the lion logo on the screen
he's hungry
I should buy some popcorn
so I exit the dark feeling blind in the sun
and the bobcats look tired they ate their fill of asphalt
because we need more parking
with so many rows

up at the pulpit rams and bugs
the news cameras capture guerilla warfare
eagles into buildings crash
landed despair is all that there is now

in a cubical cage that smells like a rat
whose smile gets bigger along with your debt
don't take it personal its just business

*survival of the fittest - desaparecidos

GO LISTEN TO IT!

http://www.myspace.com/desaparecidos

betz

2008-05-21T10:23:00.002-04:00

Betsey Johnson's offices are a few floors above ours, in our building here on fashion ave. It's common to see her once a week or so. This morning, she and I were walking towards the revloving door at the same time. However, a glass cleaner was tending to the revolving door. I went to the second. For some reason she just stood there, waiting for him to finish ...

my latest facebook msg

2008-05-20T19:55:00.001-04:00

Q. Facebook is to Monday through Thursday what Thursday happy hour is to Friday? (that's a sort of post SAT / in real world question)

a) a complete distraction
b) an escape from reality
c) the single source of my insane lack of productivity
d) all of the above ....

country

2008-05-20T15:46:00.002-04:00

I wish I could find a bar like "The Saloon" here tonight. One that serves $2 domestics on Thursday nights (therefore I also wish it was Thursday night) and offers country karaoke all night long, like back in Columbia. Singing Carrie Underwood and chatting with our guy friends who love to buy us shots. And at the end of the night, screaming Martina McBride's "A Broken Wing" at the top of our lungs, and actually thinking it sounds perfect.

I'm the best there is

2008-05-20T14:18:00.004-04:00

There was a time in my life when I was a smoker. Yes, I know. How disgusting. I remember who gave me my first cigarette. I won't call out her name, per chance she reads my nonsense from time to time.

We were be-bopping around in her car, on the way to a neighboring town. I can't really remember, but maybe I was 17 or so. I was always older than my friends/grade/parents. They were menthols and I couldn't figure out how to do it. I probably smoked a whole pack without knowing what the hell I was doing. (Gosh this makes me sick. I almost dread having children!)

Fast forward through field parties and frat parties and long drives across the state. I was always cognizant of my surroundings when I smoked. It was never a necessity to smoke when I came home for weekends during college. I didn't want to upset my parents and I didn't really need it bad enough to sneak around in the back, back yard.

I'll get to the point. I quit, cold turkey a few months ago - maybe three. I know this may not seem astounding, but I am immensely proud of myself. It's gotten to the point where I find myself basking in my own self-righteousness.

Can you believe how freaking amazing I am? I mean honestly. I quit because I wanted to. People are actually addicted to these things?! What a load of crap! What a cop out! These people have absolutely no self control. Look at me. The wonderful, self-manipulating, drug-free, anti-substance magician. Poof - I'm done with that part of my life!

When I walk up to my office in the mornings, I see people (who have probably arrived at the office a mere 15 or 20 minutes before me - sad, they just can't wait) standing around outside the revolving doors, nicotine in hand. I can feel it. I can feel the snarl. There is an actual look of utter disgust on my face and I'm looking right at these people. I don't care that they can see me.

When I walk down the sidewalk and I am waiting to cross the street, I might be standing behind or next to a smoker. The ever-consistent wind might blow a plume of smoke through my nostrils.

I am astonished. I cough loudly and I dramatically fan my face. I want to scream "YOU'RE GOING TO DIE"! "YOU'RE GOING TO KILL ME WHILE YOU'RE AT IT"! I have never smoked a cigarette a day in my life. I loathe these people for their inability to resist. I am the only person in the world who has defeated nicotine. Damn it feels good.

But you know what? I don't care that I feel this way. I'm glad of it. Because if this is the mentality that a person must assume in order to detach themselves from this drug, then so be it. I am indefinitely excused for being a hypocritical bitch. And so are you.

that looks fun

2008-05-20T11:25:00.001-04:00

why am I such a sucker for Vineyard Vines?? these people look like they're crazy..

crazy fun, that is...

2008-05-20T09:40:00.002-04:00

How's your memorial weekend looking? Our offices are giving us a half-day on Friday - so that's pretty sweet. Z and I went ahead and reserved a zipcar for Saturday-Monday. It looks like we're heading to the Hamptons. This will be a first for me. One of my best's said she was burned brown this past weekend in Folly beach. I just want to be tan again!

So Boho...

2008-05-19T14:01:00.002-04:00

I love this! I never thought I'd say that I want a vest.

U-S-C Goooooo Cocks!

2008-05-19T12:01:00.007-04:00

Every year, USC sends a small group of advertising students (during their Maymester class) to NYC to visit/tour various ad agencies. I came with this very group two years ago. *See the aviator-donning blonde below*

Well, my old professor brought a group of students up this year (surprisingly larger group, at that) to visit little ol me. (and the agency of course) It was interesting being on the other side. I remember being that eager, job-hungry student. I asked tons of questions, smiled big, and collected business cards.

As I sat there, telling them about my job and answering questions about how to get to NYC, I began to remember how fun it all was. Gosh, I truly hope that every single one of them makes it here.

my sunday afternoon

2008-05-18T19:01:00.000-04:00

hello sweet summer

2008-05-18T15:56:00.004-04:00

And I saw two NYU students - graduates maybe - from outside my cab window. They were holding a small TV. The one boy, with his filthy, once-white undershirt, uncomfortably toting the awkward television. The other boy, sucking on a Marlboro Light or maybe a Newport, to ease last night's binge. He solomnley held the TV's matching remote. This one shouted a verbal version of a Craigslist advertisement: "Twenty dollars! This TV is perfect for dorm rooms! Kitchens! Bedrooms!"

I imagined they had just finished their semester. They had shared memories with this TV. They were roommates. They were going back to Cali or Colorado for their summers. They were making more memories by selling this TV on a lazy New York City Sunday - this very moment. One day they would tell their kids about "the time after sophomore year" when they sold their TV for $20. They would leave out the part about needing the twenty bucks for a bag of weed from Washington Square Park. They would tell their friends at the bar tonight about how "crazy" they both were, and laugh out loud while downing Guiness and flashing fake IDs. They would tell their bar friends about how they spent their TV money on a bag of weed from WSP. And how it was totally worth it.

part of your balanced breakfast

2008-05-18T12:16:00.003-04:00

I think it's only fair to let everyone know that I have succumbed to the pressure of alcohol. I made it a full 11 days. But after countless refusals at dinner "Just water, please", and tests from my boyfriend "Mmm, this is good. Want a sip?", I finally realized that maybe the principle wasn't a good enough reason to say bye-bye to Lindeman's Framboise altogether. The real principle is, it isn't healthy to have a glass of wine with every meal, or slosh it out every weekend with vodka T's. I think I get my point.

So last night we had dinner at The Park. Complete with steamed artichoke/with lemon beurru blanc, bufala mozzarella/tomato/basil, and a prosciutto/arugula salad pizza. And as two ladies across the room from us poured out their meaty, purple Sangria, I thought...how wonderful a glass of such sweet nectar would taste in addition to the food we had just ordered.

So we did. We ordered a pitcher and I had two, brimming glasses. It was the best Sangria I've had in NY thus far. Sure I felt a little guilty. A lot guilty. I was really proud of myself. This morning, I have developed a mild aching in the upper region above my neck. But I still feel OK with this. Besides, Mem Wknd was sure to be a **** show, if I had really waited until such date to resume alcoholic intake.

doing my part

2008-05-16T10:43:00.003-04:00

I never thought I'd be saying this. But THANK YOU, G. DUBYAH! (True story: I used to have a "W - Still the President" sticker on my QX4, sophomore year of college. BAH! I also had Half Moon Outfitters rack pads on my roof. You know, just incase I ever needed to haul a surfboard or something.)

I love waking up and finding an extra $600 in my dwindeling account. Now I will proceed to single-handedly stimulate the economy. We have a wedding to attend in Mass, the first weekend in June. I think I'll start with an Anthro dress.

Oh, P.S. I bobbed.

what about

2008-05-15T12:31:00.001-04:00

I have a haircut tonight. I'm seriously struggling. Bob? Not to Bob? Why is life so hard!

i can't breathe with all this steam

2008-05-14T09:57:00.004-04:00

I had a $150 facial downtown last night, yet I still owe my roommate money for toilet paper. Where is the rational in my life? My job certainly has its perks. But I'm living like a rich-poor person.

She must have extracted a hundred nothings on my face that I was oblivious to having. I thought I had fairly clear skin. Even so far as to be quite proud of brushing on a bronzer and carrying on with my day. But as I lay there, I kept wondering what the hell she was doing.

Ouch. Owwwwwwwwch. Fists unknowingly clenching. What is she using? Some medical tool? Her finger nails? Oh God. What IF she IS using her fingernails? Are her fingernails clean? What if she's making my skin worse? There's NOTHING there! She's clearly gone mad and feels the need to fake clogged pores. Who does this woman think she is?

When it finally ended, she informed me that living in the city makes your pores even worse. Thanks for that. As I was walking to work this morning, my mind wandered, as it usually does, and I began to feel a mild neurosis coming on. My face is freshly cleansed, but it's happening all over again! All this dirt and smog and the smell of Burger King in the morning and people's bad breath. It's all seeping into my pores and there's nothing I can do about it!

Except to get more facials.

i'm taking crazy pills

2008-05-13T09:57:00.004-04:00

Turbulent morning thus far. It's May and I'm wearing a turtle neck. Why is it sunny with 35MPH winds? I started my period so I'm DYING. And already this morning I've broken down crying and busted out laughing on the subway to strangers. The huge white envelope that contains my voters registration came back to me in the mail. It says something along the lines of "179 postage needed". What the feck does that mean? I weighed it at the post office on 38th. It said ONE stamp. ONE! That wasn't enough to haul it downtown? Instead, they had to carry it over or under the east river to LIC and give it back to me saying they NEED MORE MONEY?! That makes sense.

So then I started thinking, as I walked to work, enormous white envelope tucked under my arm. If stamps are 41 cents a piece, how many more do I need? It said I need $1.79. $1.79 more than the one stamp already stamped? Or a total of $1.79? I'm trying to do the math in my head while Dave Matthews is howling that "life is short". I suck at math. I am trying to divide and multiply and not get hit by a car. I'm just a block or two from the post office and I'm visualizing a quick little visit.

It involves me, busting open the door and causing a scene. The million and one people (who inevitably will be standing in line as if they have nothing better to do) will turn and look at me. They will wonder if I'm crazy, or if I'm a threat, or if they're getting to witness someone "going postal". Then I would slip a pair of reflective aviators from my enormous leather satchel and subsequently put them on my head. OHP, you thought it was going to be a weapon? REALLY? They all breathe a heaved sigh of relief. BUT THEN, with the corner of my mouth rising, revealing a singular dimple, I begin to reach BACK into my enormous leather satchel. A woman gasps and a small child begins to wail. I pull out of my purse, a bazooka. I get a crazy look in my eye (but they can't see it because of the aviators) and I look up at the ceiling and I begin to shoot holes. Huge, pot-hole sized, hole-puncher style gaps in the ceiling. I'm proving a point, and dammit, they'll listen. Sheet rock falls dramatically, spraying into my hair and billowing smoke and entering my mouth.

And then. Ever so slowly, someone, anyone who is a government employee, comes forward and relieves me of the enormous white envelope. And I say "thank you". Walk out of the door, back onto 7th avenue, and continue my walk to work.

crystal ballz

2008-05-12T19:42:00.003-04:00

Sorry, I just like saying "balls". Enter: my meager attempt to predict the future while analyzing media and the way we consume it. Blast, that sounds boring. I promise it isn't!

The facts: I work in advertising. This week is the upfront for television advertising. Essentially, the networks introduce their schedules to advertisers so that we (the advertisers) can become sublimely aware of their initiatives, and thus make informed purchasing decisions. Blah. Regarding all forms of advertising (online, print, out-of-home, etc), TV is by far the reigning champion of overall spend. They get all the money - leaving teensy budgets for the small potatoes, like...say, online. (hey! that's what I buy!)

But if my calculations are correct, that is all about to change. *beep boo beep boop beep* (Time Machine SFX)

Ratings are down. Initiated by the writer's strike, viewership of television programming has shifted from TV, to online. If you can't watch your favorite shows because they AREN'T THERE, you might as well watch reruns whenever you feel like it online (at work when you're bored, at home when you should be cleaning, etc). HA! Thank you writers! Thank you for stepping up the pace for this media transition. Eventually, gone will be the Church & State days of the internet and TV.

If you DVR/TiVo (however you swing) your favorite shows, then you're 1 of 4 in the country. This means you skip commercials, and are contributing to the meshing of time slots. Goodbye "prime time" (and outrageous prime time ad slot prices). It comes as no surprise that (like most aspects of people's lives) you, me, the consumer, wants what they want, when they want it. And they will demand it, until they receive it.

And so, this presents a problem for advertisers. Their only real hope, is a metamorphosis of TV and internet. Envision television becoming more like the Hulu's and VeOh's of the world. More product placement and integration. Floating advertisements across the screen and video overlays.

This is good news for anyone in the digital realm of the advertising world. (i.e. me) The best advice I have? Go buy the nearest Video Ad Network or community and BALL OUT OF CONTROL.

I said ball.

hilarity ensues

2008-05-12T14:18:00.003-04:00

vices

2008-05-12T10:41:00.004-04:00

I made it through my first weekend without alcohol. It would be a bold-faced lie to say it was easy. I don't think there's been purely alcohol-free weekend in my life since before my Gamecock daze. HOW PATHETIC!

What exactly legitimizes an "alcoholic"? How do you measure this? In dirty martinis and buckets of sangria? Shots around the world and tour de franzia races? My God, it was actually suggested to me on Friday night (whilst at a benefit, in a BAR) that I was in fact, being anti-social. Anti-social!? I gripped my uncomfortable rectangular Fuji bottle and promptly defended myself. Are you telling me that my choice to become "anti-alcohol" had effectively deemed me "anti-social"? Do you have to get liquored up to have a good time?

Then I began to question whether or not I really could be social without alcohol. As the bar began to bulge, I became soberly aware of my surroundings. What was this stomach-churning bourbon smell, infiltrating my nostrils? Why was every single Bobby and Betty feeling the need to rub against me and elbow my rib cage? Why did this (clearly drunk) person feel the need to tell me that he was a "loser" in high school, but now hangs out with Gisele Bundchen?

AHHHHHHHHHHHKKKK!!!!!

It was all I could do not to perform a running, double front handspring up and over the crowd and behind the bar. At which point I would hopefully bang my head into a bottle of Patron and knock myself out.

Still.going.strong.

craving

2008-05-12T10:33:00.002-04:00

I have a fairly consistant desire for cupcakes. And I'd take this over a bouquet, any day!

smile

2008-05-09T14:04:00.002-04:00

Juno MacGuff: I think I'm in love with you.
Paulie Bleeker: You mean as friends?
Juno MacGuff: No... I mean for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know...
Paulie Bleeker: I try really hard, actually.

not so much

2008-05-08T10:39:00.004-04:00

I'm emotionally trying to prepare myself to take the boyfriend down South. Booking two tickets from LGA to CAE has been reminiscent of a Double Dare Physical Challenge. With the potential crossing of the Mason-Dixon at hand, I've been tormented with sleepless nights and hypothetical situations. You must gain understanding into my fearful thought process.

Smalltown, South Carolina cannot compare with being raised on the Upper West Side. My two younger sisters and I grew up, known throughout the town, as the three "Collins Girls". Stepping stones with big smiles, energy to boot, and the most polite manners you had ever seen. We were homeschooled. We were smart. We were sitting in the front pews of church every Sunday, singing solos during "special music", and starring in Vacation Bible School plays. We took art lessons and competed in piano recitals. Dozens upon dozens of Christmas Cards adorned our living room every year.

What dorks. This may sound stereotypical of a Southern rearing. (I just said rearing) But the truth of the matter is, there were virtually no others like us. This is my mental reiteration and consolation that we were not meant to have been raised here. But alas, we were.

So we played little league and rode four-wheelers down winding, dirt roads. We played in cotton and thinned corn. We were admitted to "real" (and I say this quite loosely) school by 8th grade. We played our dealt cards and demanded evacuation from the womb.

Please understand that I am neither ashamed nor ungrateful for my South Carolina upbringing. It is my reason for being and circumstance. I would not have it any other way.

However... I'm not so sure I'll be able to handle showing off the local Piggly Wiggly. Gulp.

my latest flirtation with a false reality

2008-05-08T10:22:00.000-04:00

I've decided to quit drinking alcohol until Memorial Weekend. (starting yesterday...since I didn't happen to drink then, and it makes my stats look better) I just want to *gasp* see what happens. Here's to Prohibition 2008!

P.S. That's my proud/shocked mother on the left!

i luuuuurve

2008-05-07T14:01:00.002-04:00

Carrie Underwood. I mean we have so much in common. Both blondes. Both grew up singing in church. Both from the South. OK, well she's from Oklahoma. Close enough. She's like the new Reese without the adorable mini-me's. And she looked really great in the May '08 InStyle. Ahhh, keep carving your name in those leather seats, girl.

Dear Diane,

2008-05-07T11:25:00.004-04:00

Thank you for making this dress for me. You really are thoughtful. I promise to wear it at every wedding I attend this summer. In addition, I will stand on the bow of every available yacht (Kate Winslet style) in the Hamptons, drinking Mint Juleps. Because I understand what this dress is made for.

All the best,

H

celebrate we will

2008-05-07T10:50:00.004-04:00

It's a perfect, sunny and 70 degrees in New York City today. One of my favorite coworkers just found out she got into Graduate school in Sweden (I need to up my standards). There's a party at Tenjune tonight. And this is the view from my patch of grass where I finished my latest book on Sunday. Life is good.

oh LiLo

2008-05-07T10:02:00.004-04:00

I love her, I really do. But why can't she just be a raging actress who doesn't fall OFF the party wagon??

I laughed out loud when I saw this. Now THAT looks like a rough night.

check yes or no

2008-05-06T14:10:00.002-04:00

Why do people want to know "how you met" your significant other? "This is my boy/girlfriend, _______". The opposite party is delighted and almost immediately inquires "how did you two meet"?

By now, I've nearly perfected the story. But it's just so strange to me. Why does it really matter how we met? Maybe people are looking for suggestions. Maybe they're being nosy. Maybe you two just look that interesting. Maybe the inquirer is just that boring.

pass the salt

2008-05-05T10:45:00.003-04:00

IT'S CINCO DE MAYO!!! If you're any friend of mine, you know that I seriously missed my life calling of being born a Mexican. I could (and somewhat do) eat Mexican food every day of my life. Needless to say, I'M PSYCHED that tonight is the celebration of two things that make me crazy(er): taco salads and tequila.

"ARE YOU A MEXICAN OR A MEXICAN'T???!"

here's to the weekend

2008-05-02T16:41:00.003-04:00

i'm outta here, bitches

love notes

2008-05-02T11:41:00.006-04:00

...for some reason, my wonderful friends (and occasional readers) don't post comments on my blog so much as they verbally inform/facebook msg me their thoughts and opinions. That's cool, but some of these sweet words are just too kind to not share... :)

"Hayley - Have to tell you that your most recent blog is a classic and a true work of art. Kudos!!! I couldn't stop laughing, and have to agree with you that "he should have his balls cut off". Too funny."

***

"You always put up your blog in your status, I finally checked it out, and I absolutely LOVED it. You are such a talented writer! Anyways I just felt that you should be made aware of how fabulous you are! I hope you are doing wonderful, you sound like it from your writing.."

***

"thanks for providing me a new standard in comparing douchebaggery."

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"ps.. i read your blog religiously..."

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"Hayley - just read your post from yesterday. You are going to hell, but you just made my week. That is awesome."

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"This is a TERRIFIC blog by a girl not unlike myself.
Southern transplant to the Upper East Side (although I’m still technically en route).Snarky, snappy writer. That’s so CaryRandolph! The girl loves her booze, shoes, and dudes. Enter my new virtual best friend!"

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"so....i have plenty of time at work and I check the face....i see your status and it prompts me to read the Blog....pretty good stuff...keep it going....I feel like sara jessica parker"

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"I just randomly decided to check your space to see how you are doing these days, and was so amused to check out your blog!!! I'm so impressed, girl!! Way to go!! Your blogs are so entertaining,"

...I'm really doing this in hopes to get picked up by Daily Candy.