douche mcdouchebag

OK so I might catch a lot of hell for this (in the improbable instance that someone who might call this joker a "true friend" should see this post). But more likely than not, this will simply provide a good laugh to get you through hump day.

The day started normal. I morning facebooked and discovered a friend request. (gasp) Except this friend was no friend of mine. (seriously people? that's what myspace is for - GOSH!) The requester? A young man named Justin Ross Lee. Profile pic: middle-parted, slick blonde hair and aviators. We even had mutual friends in common. (every girl in my office. red flag.) Hm. Hard to tell. I had to find out more.

Religious Views: "Supercharged Super Jew"

I should have stopped here. But it was too irresistible.

With nearly 1500 facebook friends and over 2000 pictures of himself (only 58 of which are tagged by "other friends"), I began to realize that I was dealing with a class act conundrum.

97 photo albums?!

It would take me days to truly understand this Rico Suave. Damn. I settled with skimming the tip of the iceberg.

The first few pictures seemed sort of normal. A few celebrities/models here and there. And then out of nowhere, we took a turn to Crazytown. I'm just going to copy this picture directly, along with the corresponding tags he originally crafted. I wish I could protect the faces of the innocent, but this is 2008. Privacy is a thing of the past.



"No one yanks a veil and crashes a disgusting over the hill 30-something bachelorette party like JLEE. Mohegan Sun."

In this photo: 24 months at best (photos), Oy vey (photos), Oy (photos), Nightmare on Face St. (photos), Running out of time (photos), Don't quit your day job (photos), I don't blame you for turning away (photos), Where did the rest of you go? (photos)

What else can you expect from this guy? Hand-scanned/tagged photographs from Hampton's Magazine of him and his boys of course. Albums entitled "Arrogant April" and "Decadent December". And if you don't believe he's a baller. Peep this:



Caption: "Cash Money Hoes"

Ahhhhhhhk - I just can't take it. People like this should have their balls cut off and be denied their ability to procreate! True, I spent a lot of time and energy writing this. But the chuckles along the way were so worth it. I don't feel bad, because dude, he's a glutton for publicity...fo sho. His phone number is listed. You have no idea the temptations that parade through my mind.

For a good time, friend request Justin Ross Lee. (facebook OR myspace, folks)

what i love about The South

...and I capitalize because I'm feeling extra Southern today.

I walk into Macy's (across the street from my office) during my lunch break today because they're having a super duper sale and I needed a new pair of summer Sperry's. (That's right. I wasn't kidding in my previous post *see below*. I'm ridiculously excited about my upcoming boating adventure.)

So, I'm perusing through the Sperry display on the ginormous fifth floor, when I catch from the corner of my eye, a sprightly middle-aged woman and her sprouting daughter (complete with braces). They are, in fact, smiling at me. Not in my general direction. Directly at me. It clicks and I know a conversation will ensue.

"Here they are, daaaarling!" (the woman says to her daughter)
Smiling/stare begins.
"Where areeee you from?" (she says to me)
"South Carolina." (I look down at the tan Sperry's I've just tried on, and look across at the matching pair on her daughter's feet)
"No kidding! Do you live here? We are from Lexington!"
"Well I went to school at USC! I do live here now, and work across the street!"
"Well that's just wonderful! We're just visiting!" (genuine smile)

At this point, I'm brushed towards the counter by the sales clerk, who gives me my sweet discount, and shoes. I thank her and as I'm walking away, I just can't help myself.

"Enjoy your stay!" (I say)
"Enjoy your shoes!" (She says)

...Enjoy your shoes...

God I love The South.

sweet schooner

I'm SO ready for May 15th and our little trip around Manhattan on this schooner with one of our reps. They titled the invite "drinking and sailing". Get your Dramamime and Sperry's ready girls.

she gets me every time

pumping this at work all day today

pegu club

For some reason, sales reps think it's a good idea to sign us up for beer-of-the-month clubs. Thoughtful. But when you're contemplating case races with your coworkers - not such a good idea.

I'm hypothetically transplanted out of the office, into a dimly-lit rectangular room. It's best if you know someone on the weekends and want a table. But that's anywhere in NY. The coat check woman is a royal witch, but you deal. A few comfy, round sectionals for large parties occupy the elongated space - but this place is for quaint encounters. Dark red and black hues enhance a Shangri-La feel.

(Shangri-La: a mythical Himalayan paradise that serves as a Utopian "happy place")

What they do, they do well. Be prepared to hold your horses for a drink. They're made with TLC and fist-pumping shakes. No worries though. You'll enjoy a pleasant conversation with the bartenders you'll soon know by name. With an array of small, silver spice containers, they concoct the most fabulous drinks. The Badminton Cup (cucumber mojito plus some) is my personal fav.

If you're ever in Soho, stop by. It's the perfect precursor to a late-night in Meatpacking, or an after-dinner sip with your sweetie.

latin lesson

Dum Spiro Spero -
"While I breathe, I hope"

...i know i'm partial...but what a winsome state motto...

saturday

Midtown Manhattan is God's little reminder that hell is real.

I accidentally left my hair straightener in the office over the weekend and was forced to venture up from Chelsea to retrieve it. Naturally there was a parade on Broadway. Middle-class America oozed into the streets with blank stares and bulging love handles. I crossed streets on "don't walk" signals.

When I finally found a corner seat on the 7 train, I buried my nose in Kafka and tried to immerse myself in existentialism. The buttery brown face of a quarter-aged man caught my eye. He was wearing a Mets jersey and a Movado watch. Plugging away at his Crackberry.

I neared my building. Looking across the river, I spotted a 30 foot ski boat and it's frothy wake. My mouth gaped without permission. I bet it's 80 degrees in South Carolina.

Honestly...

I wonder what is worse: being in a place where everyone knows you, or being in a place where nobody knows you.

I was ridiculously weary of seeing the same faces everyday. I used to yearn for the days when I could walk anonymously down the streets of NY. This is one of the real beauties in living here. I went from living next door to the mayor, to living with perfect strangers.

It really gets lonely though. I forget that I have no one here. No family members, no childhood friends. No familiar face that I've intimately known longer than a few months.

At dinner conversations, I find myself lost in a sea of names without faces and sometimes faces without names. Is it worse to never have to introduce yourself, or repeatedly quoting your rehearsed introduction throughout the day?

Someone called me "Payley" yesterday. Honestly? I didn't even correct them. I should start using pseudo names for my own personal entertainment.

"Yes, I'm from the South. I know, not much of an accent. Thank you. I never had much to begin with and do my best to restrain it. I work in midtown at a media agency - for LG. I went to USC. No. Not SoCal. SoCo."

Don't look so damn disappointed. I'm just as disappointed to toss out my self-synopsis to another person I'll probably never see again.

I wish I could hop in my car and drive over to a friend's house. Order some crap food with a day's worth of empty calories and gossip about all of the people we know, all too well.

no lunch

working through lunch today. meet my new, virtual best friend. i love witty, blondes who can write. read her 4.20.08 post and laugh your ass off.

http://caryrandolph.tumblr.com/

you're welcome.

i'm a glutton for punishment

I went back to the rooftop bar at 230 Fifth last night to wage war against the suits. Poison? Gin & Tonic. How old school of me...



NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!

D-list celebrity sighting of the week

Since I moved there last October, I've witnessed a few movie filmings (SATC, etc) down below my building on the water. This morning as I hustled out my revolving doors, I brushed past the open door of an unmarked, white trailer. A woman with mousy hair and a broad smile was faking an intense conversation with, (peeks further while slowly walking) none other than John Stamos.

His hair is larger than life. Lots of secrets - for.sure.

the truth about cats

Apartment searching in NYC is a ****ing joke. Pardon my Southern.

I found my current residence through Craigslist and it is working out just fine for the time being. I have a scenic view, a cool breeze off the East River, a gym I don't go to, and a doorman who flirts with me when I leave all gussied up on Saturday nights.

But I've been searching for greener pastures as of late.

"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost." -- J.R.R. Tolkein

I'm a restless soul - what can I say? So I've been scouring the Craiglist world again, crossing my fingers to find rent of no more than $1000. I'm sorry, but I refuse to pay more than a grand a month. I'd have to start wearing plastic bags to parties and claim a fashion statement.



Ivy Walker, ladies and Gentleman. (a best friend and long story)

SO - first you have to weed out the ads that offer you free rent in exchange for "occasional requests to walk around the apartment naked" (true story). Then you must assure that you're not going ABOVE the 100's (east OR west side - trust me). In addition, you'll find that every freak in NY has a cat.

Now I DESPISE cats. They are shady, moody creatures that rub against your legs and scratch your eyeballs out in the same sitting. Much like myself. And I distrust ANYONE like myself.

Yesterday, I went uptown to check out a place that didn't sound half bad. It was on the West side and I broke my 100's rule by 6 blocks. (I thought I'd let it slide) Arriving above ground, my first impression was "OK, we're right next to CP. Not half bad." Next thing I know, all I'm hearing is the sound of sirens and ice cream trucks.

I immediately made a call, requesting help. It went something like this:

"I'm scared. There are a lot of sketchy people walking around."
"OK, my game just ended. I'll come pick you up. Where are you?"
"Oh GOD PLEASE HURRY - 106th and ... Columbus? Manhattan Ave? BY THE PARK!"
"OK, walk up to 110th and I'll meet you there. I am getting a cab."
"Walk UP? Are you KIDDING ME? Are you IN a cab, or are you GETTING a cab? PLEASE SAVE ME! *pause* I just had to walk through a gang."

Ten minutes later - prince charming swept me away in a shiny, silver towncar. Aw - I just realized my sense of urgency led him to jump in the first car he found, as opposed to waiting for a yellow cab.

We dropped off at Columbia University and ate Falafel and veggie soup on the campus quad.

And last night I slept peacefully in my over-priced high rise...16 floors above any would-be perpetrators.

my reincarnation wish

can you say, hottie??

i'll take the peach and goat cheese salad

Is it bad that I'm stuck in non-productivity mode since I got back to NY and discovered the pink tulips in bloom? We had lunch in Bryant Park and it was hard to resist that refreshing glass of pinot grigio. Sighs.

Considering the phenomenal weather of late, I refuse to hide my toes again for the next 5 months. On that note, you can't help but heart these rubber beutes. Yves for $195!? I'll take it.

summer chop

I need a transformation. I'm thinking Jenny or Sienna. I hope my hair is long enough to donate. Thoughts???

going on four hours

After flying in on the red-eye from Colorado this morning, I am struggling to keep my eyes open.

Having briefly lived in Idaho as a child, I was excited to visit out west, if anything, to remember what it was like.

I've had it set in my mind (and we all know, that's not an easy thing to dislodge) that I would only consider living in NYC or San Francisco - ultimately. But I have to say, I was impressed enough to add this city to my selective list.

At first, the mile-high altitude gave me a dull, persistent headache. So I drank liters of water while given the grand tour.

It is nice being close to the sun, and still having an amazingly chilly breeze. And while I am consistently turned on by towering, man-made city structures, I have to say that the mountainous backdrop is a close competitor.

Everyone there is active, and I love this. We went hiking and biking and running. We played golf and baseball. The night-life leaves something to be desired, but I have a feeling that it's not one of their bragging rites to begin with. It's official, NYC has made me a party snob.

All of this has turned my Statue-of-Liberty-Snow-Globe life upside down. I didn't anticipate being enticed by any place other than the climatic city in which I currently reside.

I honestly didn't think the grass could be greener, until it was.

only in new york

At about 7 o'clock last night, (after the throngs of dedicated Ranger fans had piled into the Garden) I made my way to the rooftop bar, Local for a singular Blue Moon. I ordered a Hummus Plate (top 5 favorite food).

My coworkers weren't the only ones doing the entertaining. Enter, the midtown bums. Best part is, our waitress said they perform almost every night.



Yeah, that's a shoulder shrug.



Check out that brown bag.

where the beer flows like wine...

I'm going to Colorado, beeches. I actually have no idea where. I'll let you know when I get there. Be back on a redeye Monday morning.

if you like men who like money

As I bee-bopped to Bloc Party on the pod this morning, I kept getting the strange feeling that I was seeing everything for the first time.

"But everything seemed different and completely new to me.
The sky, the trees, houses, buildings, even my own body.
And each person I encountered, I couldn't wait to meet."

Thank you Bright Eyes. You should read the words to that song if anything else.

So although this was unusual, it was an experience I've had before.. specificially on mornings after a "night on the town". (Note: if someone happens to find my self-respect and dignity, please let me know - as I seem to have lost them both last night) Let's revert back a dozen hours.

We started with 96 ounce Blue Moon "pitchers" (this word does a severe injustice to the actual container's size) at House of Brews in Hells Kitchen. A few beers, super-sampler platters of fried food, car bomb, something, something, something, fruity shot, let's go. Cabbed it down (up?) town to 230 5th. You know, the overcrowded rooftop bar where the only pre-requisite to get in is to work in finance. The thing about finance guys is that their powertrip button is always activated when in circles of their own kind. (as a friend of my pointed out) Sort of, Gladiator meets SAT Prep.

My friend Megs and I found her roommate and then made our way to the bar to purchase $15 drinks in fake plastic rocks glasses. After quite an arm-twisting, Megs ordered two lemon drops. Naturally, we were served Patron. Whatever.

The first set of financial d-bags told us what they did. I chuckled and stuck my strappy Tory Burch in my mouth. "Well not for Bear Stearns I hope! HA!" They meekly replied, "Well actually, we did. Until we got fired. But we have new jobs as of last week." Side-step escape. But they were everywhere. Like a live scene from CNBC.

My boyfriend and his friend finally returned from their trip to find food, and saved us. Needless to say, I'm taking it easy today - only giving my brain bits of information to process at a time. I'm really going to love that mani/pedi at 5...

heart broken?

Fall in love all over again...

The new Christian Louboutin's. They come in BLUE PATENT LEATHER. YUM.

Send my heart, and a grand, to this mind-reading Parisian.

get your daily dose

I brought up Daily Candy in casual conversation with a girlfriend of mine the other day. I was astounded to discover she was unaware of this gold nugget of fashion/lifestyle/beauty.

Please do yourself a favor...

http://www.dailycandy.com/

Love, H

why we don't give men diamonds

The wedding conspiracy. Girls dream and plan their engagement ring/wedding/marriage from the Barbie beginnings. Guys don't do this. Because honestly, what's in it for them? No dramatic surprise and a fat diamond - that's for sure. Little or no involvement with the wedding planning process (to generalize for a moment). Why? Because it's the GIRL who's been dreaming about it since day 1! And if WE keeps up these "Bridezilla" shows, the guys are REALLY going to catch on and none of us will have a chance...

So my point is - the cave men started these ridiculous traditions long ago to keep the wedding predicament under control. The divorce rate is already insane. We really don't need men giving diamonds and women giving diamonds and everyone actually WANTING to get married. That's incentive. My God, the engagement ring and wedding ceremony are two valid reasons to avoid the situation altogether!

I'm envisioning a world where lesbians can be legally wed. What a mess. I'm becoming a wedding planner.