i found an old blog of mine

I was standing at a fork in the road - so to speak. I wrote it around this time last year - before my job interview, or any concrete plans in NY came to be. Oh the desperation of it all.

"It sucks falling for someone. It sucks when you put your heart on the line and let someone take a jab at it with whatever weapon they see most fit. It's easier to be single. It's easier to be emotionally unattached to someone and have casual friendships and relationships throughout life. But what does that say for a person in the end? Not much. It means that person can't have anything substantial in their life. It means they prefer to be a hollow box. I left someone close to me and I thought our relationship was strong. I thought we had an unbreakable bond. I realize now that what we had was a false reality. I'm okay with that. I have moved on and I've developed new friendships. I like to think they are real. I'd like to think these people have concrete attachments to me. But who really knows? Now I'm at the point where I've found someone else to form an emotional attachment to. Why is it: that time and place are so essential in life? I'm graduating in a few short months and the person I've found is as well. We have feelings for each other right now, but what is the point in acting on them? This is turning into more of a Q&A session than a journal entry, but no mind. I have questions and I need answers. I want to know why God sends people into your life at the point when you are ready to be sent out into the real world. I want to know why its so hard to meet someone you really are interested in, and when you finally do, they're going to be taken away from you again. If I move to New York City after graduation, I won't see this person again. I will miss South Carolina, no matter what I say. It has a special place in my heart - and as adventurous and spontaneous as I may seem, my heart of hearts knows I will cry the days away at first. At this point, I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going anymore. My lips are numb from the Burt's Bee's Chap Stick I used an hour ago and my nose is stopped up from the NyQuill I took last night that didn't help much at all. My room is semi-clean because I thought I was having company, but plans changed. My head is on backwards because I have so much to do right now I feel suffocated. My financial situation isn't much better. I guess going back to an earlier journal entry; we can all say that when it rains, it pours. This is turning into a sob fest and I'm not entirely pleased with that. I'm usually an optimistic person with big dreams and high hopes. I hope my future is everything I ever wanted it to be. These last few months are decisive. It's all I can do at this point to keep my head above the water. My muscles are angry tired from treading."