sleeping lessons

What a facade my lofty expectations have been all this time. I need, I want, I like. The brilliant plumes decorating my fantasy life and spoken desires are most simply an illusion to mask my inner fears. Fear that I am a dependent in this world. I am screaming for freedom from this curse - but repeatedly catch myself before the release. Why? Dependency is best friends with vulnerability. You can't have my emotions - they are locked up deep and dark within the cold cavern that is the physical being we all are. The dust we come from will turn to dust again, and the little time we have on this earth fights heroically against the ground that wants us back. This grim grip of reality results in my own self-appreciation and indulgence. Be beautiful, be young, be famous, be rich. Materialism is simple. Emotional involvement is not. At what point do you let go? When you wake up and realize that the culmination of everything you've been searching for lies in a lonely collection of Fendi bags on your closet floor? Maybe. Or maybe (before it's too late) you stop vainly searching for glossy new Louis' that don't exist - draw the line for emotional bliss, and embrace it. I am quite sure I'm evolving into someone with a backbone. And to me, this is very good news. The Shins say it best..."eviscerate your fragile frame, and spill it out in the ragged floor".